There was a blackout in our place recently and it lasted for a week.
Good thing the weather wasn't very hot for us, and sometimes it rained.

That meant living by candles.
Darkness.

It actually healed my 'phobia' for darkness; I can stay in a room, sleep in a room, and just stare into space in, well, darkness. It's fun. I thought I could see clearly than I do in daylight; and now I favoured evenings more.

Writing by candlelight can make your eyes feel blurry in a while, though.

What I had in between was a tuna sandwich! Very easy to make.

Dad's Tuna Sandwich

2 cans of tuna, drained and flaked
2 big onions (doesn't matter whether red or white) chopped
1 regular sized mayo

Mix mix mix mix mix mix mix.

And that's it! Enjoy~

My dad prefers it with minced onions, but I prefer them chopped because I want to feel the crunch with every bite.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Since I am trying my hand at modeling, the first thing I noticed was, my body. I wasn't blessed with a skinny torso unlike my sister, who no matter how much she ate, she still had that 23-inch waistline. While me-- well let's keep that private...

And even if I don't eat much, my body doesn't change. I went to jog about 3 times a week (it only happened twice), but it only made my legs itch and numb. And then I tried doing sit-ups, but sometimes it gets the better of me, and I only do it when I feel like it. I hate it when I'm lazy.

Leaving my body-matter aside, I also watched FashionTV. I watched how the girls walked, posed, turn and flirt with the cameras. I shivered. Can I do that, too?

And I also noticed how anorexic they were; I hope not to be that thin. I want to leave some meat in my body, thankyouverymuch.

Given that I am also 'big' in size, and my sister is normal, it's pretty hard adjusting. The teasing, talking behind your back... Saying she's better and things... It doesn't help improve my self-esteem but then, I love my sister more than ever and I know we're two completely special individuals.

So what I am doing is, the 'less-of-everything-diet' and resisting the food lust; gluttony. It's quite hard since I like watching cooking shows, pastry, especially.

Right now I'm physically under construction-- and I truly hope that Christmas won't torture me very much. Ahh, chocolate! Why can't I live without you!

And to get my food-lust out of my system, I prayed. And since it was Sunday, and I attend no church, I made my own.

It was very lucky that my sisters went out, my brother out somewhere in his own world, and my parents weren't bugging me at that moment. so I locked the door, got Fibbi propped in a pillow, put the bible beside him, and just vented out how I felt.

And then I got the bible and read out passages to myself, asked myself questions, cried a little, talked aloud, and learned, basically. I was my own preacher. I was the learner. It felt good and lonely at the same time.

I decide to do this every Sunday, just to keep my faith intact, and because I feel cleansed everytime I do my 'Meetings with Him'.

I just hope that my sisters would decide to leave on Sunday mornings randomly; I just can't do it with a lot of people around.

May be too late, but happy Sunday everyone.

For weeks and weeks, I kept dreaming of this little girl, her description in another blog post;

Her bouncing ash brown curls suit her round youthful face; her brown eyes twinkled when she looks at me. She runs around in circles holding a white daisy on her hand, smiling, laughing, giggling. I couldn't help but be happy just seeing her; as if she's the epitome of happiness, the human form of sunshine, of rainbows, and of smiles.

The very same dream again and again. She looked like me, yes, and her features were probably from my other half, which remains a mystery to me. I was enamoured of her. I felt like she was buried deep into my heart, just waiting to be noticed, to be loved.

Her aura seems to be fairy-like, of fairy-tale story, but all the whole she laughed and smiled, my dream's background was white. Blurry. Foggy. Obscured. I wanted to see beneath it but I couldn't. I couldn't even touch her. It seems like I was just there to witness her smile, and it saddened me that I couldn't feel her in any way.

So that I wouldn't forget her face, I drew her. It's poorly done, and it looks better in black and white, done in oil pastels. I didn't give justice to it though; she was much, much more beautiful in my dream. So dazzling. So... Happy.

If you might be wondering why her name is Izabella, it's because I've wished for that name. When I was little my mother used to call me Isabel, as my nickname is Iza. I asked her why she didn't play around the spelling; well without her answering that I already knew the answer. My mother isn't very creative with spellings and such; she was much too realistic. But still I love my name for all its worth. Even if I'm often times a wet blanket, I was told that I was a face meant to smile.
And that I should be happy because I am fortunate than others, happier than others. Serves my name right as Feliza means exactly that.

Izabella means Devoted to God, to which I hope that she would be God-fearing as I am. But a dream is a dream; it may come true or it may not.

An entertainment behind our closed lids, maybe, a fantasy while we sleep. Or a premonition of some kind. Dreams are strange and often inspiring, striking up something from deep in the heart. Deep desires-- something we accumulate and collect during the day.

And now, after thinking hard about posting this, I decided I should. This was written when the nights and my pen were still my companion.

A Dream: Izabella

sunshine played along the lines of her hair,
not dark, not light, but ashen locks of curls.
Her face round and healthy, and her cheeks rosy,
her plump lips lighted by the rainbows.

And her eyes, her eyes, her lighted brown ones,
sung of unheard melodies and innocence,
as she danced along of the silent music
that played about her smart head.

Happiness surrounded her sturdy frame,
hands that whirled with the wind,
soon to make beautiful things.

A laugh that echoes down the vagabond,
a graceful body that puts swans to shame,
a voice of a million angels on her tongue
Izabella; yes, that's what I named her,
a twinkle of my eye, or a beat of my heart,
someday to be made of love and passion,
of kisses and hugs, of language and art.

Conceived in my head, long before she's born,
thought of and loved, before she knew herself.

Izabella, a mere dream, my dream,
to walk the Earth,
to spread love, hope, and share a-many dreams,
to live, with a beating heart, with a soul, and a smile.

It had too many adjectives, but I don't know why I don't want to change it. I made more of it, but I reckon one is already enough.
How advanced for me to think of the future so fast. When I confided in my friends, they said I was starting to be a loony somehow. Ahh, solitude has changed me so much, even in dreams.

It's because a feeling such as this when provoked can't be ignored. The feeling like you're bursting with love has never happened to me before. A love such as this. So powerful; so touching.

-Currently listening to a friend's guitar version of Radiohead - Like Spinning Plates, it has helped me write again, and it very much sounds like Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. I thank you Jonathan.

Ketsana (Ondoy, our local name) raged over the cities of the Philippines, resulting to a great flood, covering the city in 80% water. Ketsana produced a month's worth of rain in just several hours. Now that the rains have stopped, the flood fled on to the drainage. But in some places, the flood stood still. Muddy flood. It was estimated that all water would be gone in a month's time; and some are complaining that the water already smells 'fishy'.

The flood reached over the third floors of the hospital, some people fled to their rooftops in fear of being drowned, and cars were floating, crashing within each other, and some people were carried away with the flood, going nowhere or to their poor deaths. It grieved me.

Now that everything has calmed down and a new storm two days away, foundations started popping everywhere, packing relief goods such as canned goods, rice, water, clothes, etc.

Since we always have some clothes to give away, and we sorted it out. Gave it to a foundation Sagip Kapamilya. But turns out they already had too many volunteers, and so we shooed ourselves away and went to another helping site. Then we were in Cubao, a politician's foundation needed more volunteers. We worked for 10 hours repacking goods and noodles and rice, carrying the finished bags to the truck (which required a lot of arm muscle) and running errands for the staff.

Then came afternoon and more volunteers came, and the staff said that those who has been working since morning had to exit to let the others have the chance to help.

It was fun. I'd do it again and again if it weren't for my poor aching arms. Charity brings out the best in you, as my sister said one night. It shows who you really are as a person, what your personality really is. And it would really show how big your muscles can be. Wee!

Many people have died, many still grieve, many are afraid to get out of evacuation centers to start a new life. They're traumatized. I am very fortunate to have not been touched by the storm or my relatives; the only damage I felt was, taking a bath with a big hole on the ceiling. The storm ripped the ceiling out of the bathroom; another lucky thing is, it didn't expose the skies. We wouldn't be peeked at whatsoever.

My conclusion, we should do regular community work; if the best was brought in everyone, that's another step to achieving a part of world peace.

How can one thing ever change your life? How can you hold on to one thing when you know it's temporary?

When it's your one big drive over your life. Suddenly gone.

Gone too soon...

I feel like ranting, in a weird way, if you permit, and deleted the past post, feeling quite stupid for posting it. Tonight I feel tired, but slightly insomniac, so I might be up until dawn and til morning, getting my bones very soft. I'll probably go out later, when no one's around, the cloudy sky hiding the moon, about to cover me in my mischievous wanderings. I'll just finish this sweet potato and I'm off.

* * *

Okay I am back. And while I strolled outside, wearing nothing but my nightgown, and the bowl of sweet potatoes, it was quite... eerie. Yes, that's the word. The lamppost from outside works, but it seems to only light the place where it's stationed. The guard is asleep, the other is talking in a retarded way on his walkie-talkie.

This is why we get attempted robbery. Or robbed. Sleeping guards... Pff.

I don't get any farther than the end of the street (which isn't really far) because the darkness that loomed over the next streets and the grocery store across me (yes, I live near a grocery store) is terrifying, and I don't think I have the courage to walk over it. I have a little fear over darkness. I can't sleep without the nightlight on. Or sleep with the lights entirely off without my sister beside me. And I am sixteen. Oh gee, this is going to be hard.

So instead I headed back, slowly, back to the house. The cat mewed at me and I mew back. And then I mewed another one, this time scaring it. But it raised its tail and I knew I should leave or else suffer Mr. Whisker's mighty claws.

But then again, I didn't want to go inside-- the air inside the house seemed too thick to for my lungs, and I felt asthmatic. I sat on the edge of the gate-door, and pondered about the ants, and the moths, and the flies that were busy flirting with the lamppost above me.

Tonight I feel quite poetic. But I can never write a poem, as vain as I try.
Haikus, not even. I just draw. Or write a short story.
And here is the short story:

A girl of pale white ghosted down the room,
down the stairs,
and Out.

She pondered about the Stars, the Moon and wherever the Sun went.
Her brown eyes had Tears,
and she can't recall why,
but she looks up,
torn between joining the Stars
or to stay behind
and face Life's harsh decisions
and Life's whip-like hands.

But she threw a hand out,
with the Pawed friend by her side,
and vainly wished,
that she existed out of life,
out of bounds,
out and Beyond.

Her white silk dress tore by the ends,
thorns thrashed her skin, bleeding,
and she closed her eyes...

Feeling eternity,
feeling Hell and Heaven
understanding worldly chaos,
hearing whispers,
listening to voices,
seeing light,
seeing darkness.

Feeling Hollow.

This was how it felt to exist out of everything.
A piece of happiness,
a piece of joy,
a piece of everything,
and a piece of nothing.

A hollow skull.
A body without a beat.
No blood to run forth.

All Hell and Utopia together.

She opened her eyes to the dusky night,
skies sprinkled with glitter,
covered in a mast of darkness. Nothing can ever be more wonderful.
The Pawed friend vanishes from sight.
Probably to look for a place to sleep,
or probably thought her in retardation; she doesn't know.

A smile brims up her face, crying too at the same time.

She goes in,
the goes up,
then goes to her bed,
and dreamt of dreams...
And pure emptiness.

As you may have noticed, she is me.
Sometimes when all is quiet, a feeling evokes in my heart, and I have to write it down. A feeling of momentary happiness, a moment of pain, and a moment of nothing. An unexplainable feeling all brought together. If it has a name, I can't quite put a finger on it.

And tonight it did just that.

I'll be a hypocrite if I said I didn't like anyone in my lifetime. Not that I hate men; I've got my sister for that. It's that, I wouldn't want to be what my mother has experienced. Maybe I'm just careful. All too careful.

Surprisingly, I have more male friends than female friends-- just because I find my generation of teenagers all too shallow and nonsensical and attention-seekers. Or maybe that's just my harsh point of view; no offense, girls.

So I've got my male friends-- all a lot older than me-- because we had the same level concerning thoughts and thinking (though they sometimes scold me for being all too innocent and kid-like) but I enjoy it very much. There are times I'd be meeting a rare girl with brains. A jackpot, of course.

Now, back then, I was a tween, I was a tomboy, because I didn't want to have crushes, I didn't want to be teased, and maybe I didn't want to get all heart-broken. Too girly, I say. Save that for my sisters.

But when I 'graduated' to teenage-hood, my cells seemed to have changed; or hormones, I guess.

I was just starting out to be an internet junkie then, when I met this guy named *Sandy. Sandy was 5 months older than I am, and he talked sense, and we got along together. I hated to admit it, but I was having a crush on him, and everytime we talked on MSN, I'd get the butterflies.

So much for a tomboy to handle.

After so much hassle, and a lot of conversations, a friend let slip that I had a crush on him, and then he kind of confronted me about it, and I had to admit it. Oh curse that blasted friend.

Then he told me he had a crush on me too.
I was as red as Santa's nose, as red as the firetruck, as red as anything! I thought it was love.

And so we proceeded to talk normally, though we hugged each other often virtually. I hate virtual things.

But the very next day, I found him with a status message, "In love and loved."
What's an immature girl to think?

Then he instant messages me and announces he has a girlfriend.
Hurray.
Wow.
Wo0t.
Congratulations.

And then he said, when he felt that I was sulking, "I'm sorry Iza."
"It's all right."
"It's not, I know."
"I swear Sandy*, just have fun!"

That was the first time in my life that I ever experienced a heartbreak.
I was sulking when I was alone, mostly cried, and wished that it was me. It took me a long time to recover from that, and so I decided to just... forget and live. I left him alone. He left me alone; it was all too awkward to talk now.

The second one (yes, there's a second one) was... a typical handsome guy, but he treated me like I'm part of the wall. This, too, is all virtual. I would private message him and he won't reply, I would leave a comment on his page and he won't reply. He was like the 'jock' in most high school flicks, and I hated him for it, but I fell for his charm when we met each other. (Fricking online)

Joe* was his name, he was part Filipino like me, we shared a lot everytime he was online, but he avoided me for some reason, too. Maybe I was too clingy and I didn't realize...? I made a lot of mistakes then.

A few months later, Joe has a girlfriend. She was pretty, popular, I guess, and she made boys drool. Of course they were perfect for each other. Match made in heaven.

Of course it made me cry. It seemed like every guy I wanted or even liked had some kind of syndrome of breaking me apart. Or making me cry unconsciously.

Right now I really like this guy, but I don't tell him. Just in case he flies away or he starts avoiding me, or or or just leaves me because I am a total crap. -_-

Right now I've got a whole lot of male friends, but I am way careful. My MSN list is populated by the males. A few are in my Favorite List. I'm just afraid of people leaving me, especially the ones I get attached to.

When I told Adam that I'm going to wait till after college to have a boyfriend, he said,

"Oh Feliza! When else are you going to be young?"

He had a point. But I am rushed to grow; so age is just formality?
I just hope that when the 'right' one comes, he'd sweep me off my feet and won't drop me on the ground.

For the girls who want to swear themselves to celibacy, this might help you.

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

He: So, baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!

He: Your legs go clear up to your ass.
She: Most peoples' do!

Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."

He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

I am inspired to write once again, as I happily finished (the draft) my story Antonin Glass! i am now editing it and will soon be sent to my desired publishers.

Meanwhile, I'm trying my hand in vampire fiction, and I'm currently writing it, and researching more about vampires. My sister says it might result to some 'plagiarism' of some kind since I'm too influenced with Charlaine Harris and Stephenie Meyer (Yuck).

But when I told her the plot, she grinned and said it was good! If I have the time, though, I'd come back and write a post for you to read. Happy weekend! I love you all.

When doubt comes a-knockin'

" [...] and it's doubt that gives you the education."

I was fed up of researching about Satanism and religions; I decided to give it all a break. My brain's wheezing. I'm tired. It's all too consuming-- you're probably tired of me discussing about this, too.

But for some reason, doubting is good, even if it's like being confused. Very irritating.

A point in Satanism says that, "I let man eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge because I want them to be all equal, to expand the knowledge of humanity, to be more than what they are."

Which made me think hard.

Why can't man extend his abilities? Why can't we be more than what we are? What is He afraid of? Is He afraid in the first place?

On His part, however, I remembered a quote, "You must never question Me." Which made me feel a whole lot guilty thinking of more questions.

Why did people burn witches? Because they were afraid of extending forth of what we're able to do? Because we were narrow-minded, then? Isn't it about being the best of what you can be?

For days, (and a week, too) I was distraught looking for answers. I couldn't pray with sincerity. The words were just words. No meaning; merely expressing just to be said 'I was praying'. It was worthless to pray. If I didn't mean it, I shouldn't be praying. Instead, the only thing I prayed about was guidance, and I told Him that I hope to find answers soon. Because living in endless doubt is extremely annoying.

And then here's a bit of silliness: I was on facebook, and took this application 'See what God wants you to know...' and on that say, I had;

"... That you will soon learn from your doubts and confusions. Just wait for it. Only time will tell."

It made me roll my eyes, and say, "Oh great, fine, I'll just wait since everything seems to happen in time."

Well lo an behold, I snapped out of the confusion.

I was watching a show on Discovery channel, about how robots are going to be in the future. Technology will soon make us laze around, they'd do everything now, no human interactions at all-- it's all a pathetic sight, but some others find it cool.

So human technology, to me, will be our own doom. Man will destroy man. Soon robots will be everywhere, soon robots will be able to think for themselves. So much for human intelligence. So much for extending our abilities.

That's when it came to me.

Maybe that's what God had in mind. If we were to extend our abilities further, use 100% of our brain all the time, we would self destruct. And He wouldn't want that.

For some reason, it's still happening. Human technology continues to evolve, some people are blinded to see that this will be our downfall. God doesn't want this. Satan does. He wants man to fight against each other. He enjoys seeing us being war-freaks. Then hatred, the blaming, will soon come after.

I'm now seeing the light.
Hallelujah. :)