I'll be a hypocrite if I said I didn't like anyone in my lifetime. Not that I hate men; I've got my sister for that. It's that, I wouldn't want to be what my mother has experienced. Maybe I'm just careful. All too careful.

Surprisingly, I have more male friends than female friends-- just because I find my generation of teenagers all too shallow and nonsensical and attention-seekers. Or maybe that's just my harsh point of view; no offense, girls.

So I've got my male friends-- all a lot older than me-- because we had the same level concerning thoughts and thinking (though they sometimes scold me for being all too innocent and kid-like) but I enjoy it very much. There are times I'd be meeting a rare girl with brains. A jackpot, of course.

Now, back then, I was a tween, I was a tomboy, because I didn't want to have crushes, I didn't want to be teased, and maybe I didn't want to get all heart-broken. Too girly, I say. Save that for my sisters.

But when I 'graduated' to teenage-hood, my cells seemed to have changed; or hormones, I guess.

I was just starting out to be an internet junkie then, when I met this guy named *Sandy. Sandy was 5 months older than I am, and he talked sense, and we got along together. I hated to admit it, but I was having a crush on him, and everytime we talked on MSN, I'd get the butterflies.

So much for a tomboy to handle.

After so much hassle, and a lot of conversations, a friend let slip that I had a crush on him, and then he kind of confronted me about it, and I had to admit it. Oh curse that blasted friend.

Then he told me he had a crush on me too.
I was as red as Santa's nose, as red as the firetruck, as red as anything! I thought it was love.

And so we proceeded to talk normally, though we hugged each other often virtually. I hate virtual things.

But the very next day, I found him with a status message, "In love and loved."
What's an immature girl to think?

Then he instant messages me and announces he has a girlfriend.
Hurray.
Wow.
Wo0t.
Congratulations.

And then he said, when he felt that I was sulking, "I'm sorry Iza."
"It's all right."
"It's not, I know."
"I swear Sandy*, just have fun!"

That was the first time in my life that I ever experienced a heartbreak.
I was sulking when I was alone, mostly cried, and wished that it was me. It took me a long time to recover from that, and so I decided to just... forget and live. I left him alone. He left me alone; it was all too awkward to talk now.

The second one (yes, there's a second one) was... a typical handsome guy, but he treated me like I'm part of the wall. This, too, is all virtual. I would private message him and he won't reply, I would leave a comment on his page and he won't reply. He was like the 'jock' in most high school flicks, and I hated him for it, but I fell for his charm when we met each other. (Fricking online)

Joe* was his name, he was part Filipino like me, we shared a lot everytime he was online, but he avoided me for some reason, too. Maybe I was too clingy and I didn't realize...? I made a lot of mistakes then.

A few months later, Joe has a girlfriend. She was pretty, popular, I guess, and she made boys drool. Of course they were perfect for each other. Match made in heaven.

Of course it made me cry. It seemed like every guy I wanted or even liked had some kind of syndrome of breaking me apart. Or making me cry unconsciously.

Right now I really like this guy, but I don't tell him. Just in case he flies away or he starts avoiding me, or or or just leaves me because I am a total crap. -_-

Right now I've got a whole lot of male friends, but I am way careful. My MSN list is populated by the males. A few are in my Favorite List. I'm just afraid of people leaving me, especially the ones I get attached to.

When I told Adam that I'm going to wait till after college to have a boyfriend, he said,

"Oh Feliza! When else are you going to be young?"

He had a point. But I am rushed to grow; so age is just formality?
I just hope that when the 'right' one comes, he'd sweep me off my feet and won't drop me on the ground.